Life gives us so many paths to choose from, it can become overwhelming. I look back at the choices I've made since 2004, and it's hard to swallow the truths
about those times. I moved to Virginia to get away from the situations I had gotten myself into around that time. I know, running away from your problems never
solves anything, and you need to deal with them, but I needed a change, and it fit at that moment. If I didn't leave, chances are, I wouldn't be alive. The stories
the walls that surround me could tell would be a tale of sorrow and excitement, bliss and harmony, but at a price.
Music, and artful things in general, are my escape from the realities I face on a daily basis. I say that making it sound like my reality is horrible, but it's far from.
It can be tedious and rough at times, but whose life isn't that way? The only difference is that I found a way to express myself, even if only to myself, in ways that I
love and enjoy. Of course, those outlets are dangerous, at least for me. I'll try to explain, though it may be a bit misleading/confusing because I need to watch what I
say since I'm under extreme scrutiny with the information I post on here, and I'd rather not create more issues than I have to, even though there's a lot of things I
need to get out in the open. That's what the private post was about yesterday - testing a new feature I'm adding into AirBlogger. Of course, I have so many things going
on right now, that I can't really focus a lot of my attention on to the application I wrote here. Anyway, back onto the topic.
I remember the day I called up for an audition for the band in Virginia. I made the call exactly 7 years ago to the day. As I made the call, I sat out in my car in front of
my friends house (where I was living), and smoking a cigarette. I had become slightly dizzy, though that's the wrong word to describe it. It was more like a feeling of "something
is about to happen". I didn't know what I was getting into, but things moved quickly. I went for the audition the next day with my nerves spiking at their peak. I had no idea
what to expect. 4 guys in a room full of equipment, looking at me, and asking me about my past experience. I could have lied and told them that I was in several bands and played
a lot of shows, but instead, I told them that I had played with a bunch of cover bands that never left the garage. I was new to song writing, as well as playing originals. I had
listened to a few of their songs the previous day after the phone call, and I liked the music. It was very...southern-ish style hard rock/industrial.
So I tell them my past experiences with music, and they go about playing some of their songs, telling me to jump in whenever I felt comfortable. They started with a ballad, and I stared
at the singers hands intently, as he was playing guitar. I interrupt them, asking them to repeat the measure a total of 8 times before the first verse, so they humored me. After the 4th
measure, I somehow choke out a solo. They stopped playing and just looked at me for a moment. "Where the fuck did you come from?", "Holy shit, that was fucking awesome", and so on. I had
this big shit eating grin on my face, I could feel it. Things were going to be alright.
About 2 weeks later, after learning all their songs, we played our first show together with the new line up. It was my first show ever. Stone sober, I choked. The singer looks at me and
asks me if I want a shot. "Sure, a few shots of jager will do." He comes back with 4 shots - 3 for me and 1 for him. The rest of the night went golden. About a month later, toward the end of
October, we hit up a local studio to record a 13 song demo and started creating our press kit. The studio time was fun and interesting. We pump out the demo in a few days, and start playing out
anywhere we could, and then we get the opportunity we're looking for. A "Battle of the Bands" style competition. Even though the crowd was chanting our band name at the end, we came in 2nd place.
2nd place wasn't so bad as we got the same "prize" as the first place band - a full on record deal with an independent label. We started opening for national acts, and once our single was done,
it was gaining massive air play. Things couldn't get more perfect. Until they become severely worse. Lawyers had gotten involved, and it was a constant business thing from here on out. What
to do, what not to do, who's the spokes person for the band, and so on. All egos arose at this time. I had moved about 40 minutes away from where the band practiced at, and had to give up a great
job opportunity, which was my backup plan in case the band failed. It came down to the decision of "the job, or the band" due to schedule conflicts. So I gave up at (at the time, $22/hr job) in
order to pursue a dream. I guess I can't be too unforgiving about that situation, because had I taken the job, some things later in life wouldn't have panned out the way they did.
Now, when you watch a documentary on any band, they'll say the studio time is the place where bands fall apart. Most of Metallica ended up divorced through their recording of the "Black Album", and
other bands just ceased to talk to each other. It's a stressful time. Our producer was a bit out there as well, but that's not the time or place for this. I remember being in the recording studio,
listening to the scratch track to lay a solo down, and every take was cut. I was nervous and needed to gather my composure a bit. I was never a lead player, only a rhythm guitarist with the random
solo here and there. TheDoc comes up and says "Adam, if you can control your style just a little bit, you will be the next Dimebag Darrel." Such huge words to say. For those that don't know who Dimebag
Darrel is, he's the late guitarist of the Texan metal band "Pantera", who was gunned down at a night club while playing a show by an irate Pantera fan, claiming he was the reason for their breakup and
the formation of Damage Plan. Dimebag was a masterful guitarist - won several guitar competitions under the name Diamond Darrel when he was 13, and wasn't allowed to compete soon there after. Now
this guy is comparing me to him? Horse apples.
The life of a "rockstar" that you hear about is true, but they leave out the dark sides of that in most cases. Drug use, alcohol addictions, being alone, and the negative effects it has on those around you
are rarely spoken about...well...maybe not so much these days. The constant partying, destruction of property, and stresses it brings on is a world that nobody can really grasp until they've lived through it.
I'm not saying that this is a special club that nobody can experience unless they've gotten that far, because it can happen without being involved with music. There's so much darkness to overcome when trying
to reach that special plateua that you want to hit, and it's a never ending struggle.
2 and a half years ago, I sold my "good" equipment in order to put a down payment on my house. Do I regret it? Not really. I was at the point in my life where I felt that I needed to grow up and start making a
change, and to grow up. I was living at my moms house, and I wanted to start a real future. Of course nothing pans out the way we always want them to. So how did I get to the point where I'm at now? Well, it's easy,
let's look back to the choices I've made since 2004:
2004: Move to Virginia or not move to Virginia. Had I not moved, things most likely would have been much, much worse, and I would be fighting the legal system for a long time I'm sure. This wasn't so much of an
option as it was an opportunity.
2005a: Take the job or stay with the band. Had I taken the job, I would most likely still be living in Virginia. This means that I would have never fallen in love for the first time in 2005, and the path to the 2nd love
may never have come about. I would have moved out of the apartment with my roomate and kept things going from there, be it with music, or my career. 6 years ago tomorrow is when I moved back home to my moms basement.
2005b: I enroll in college to go for a degree in Computer Science & Technology, plus start working at a computer repair shop. I could have stayed unemployed and lived it up since up to this point, I never had a real vacation
except back in 2001 when I took a week off from work. Also, the first love and I didn't work out.
2006: I started dating Cut. I also found guitar hero, which, one could argue that it ruined our relationship. She was also against any sort of music involvement. I remember getting bitched at by her for playing my guitar one night.
That was fun. I also started working at a government computer support company. Had I stayed at the computer repair shop, I wouldn't have nearly close to what I have now. 6 months later, I quit there to work where I'm currently at.
I also joined a band with CLoz, which Cut didn't really care for, but I needed to get back out there. I was dubbed the pretty boy of the band. Cut and I broke up in September, got back together in October, and barely made it through the
month. Continue on with the band.
2007: The band fell apart. The drummer and I find the replacements and start a new band, with me being the only guitarist. Being the only guitarist is both a good and bad thing, but I deal. I find the singer in a bar one night, just randomly
talking to him (he was the bartender) and he saw me writing lyrics on a napkin. One thing led to another, and he hops on board. We fire the drummer after a show, get a new drummer, fire him, singer goes with that drummer. The bass player finds
a replacement for both, all is well. We write all new material, well, I write all new material since nobody else wanted to (except the singer, he wrote *some* lyrics). I sell my CRX and buy a Del Sol near the end of the year, right before I fly
out to Florida for a week. Also had nose surgery over the summer.
2008: Discover Absinthe is legal in the states, and buy a bottle. Enjoy the bottle. Bass player quits. Singer takes a hiatus due to work. Finish up with the "novel", and let it sit for some amount of time. Start working out. Began writing my "novel" at the beginning of the year as well.
I think anyway. CLoz and I talk about starting another band, but decided that we're both tired of the struggle, plus our area really sucks with music, so we left it aside. I pick up piano lessons.
2009: Fly out to Texas to "meet" my father and half sisters (they left my home state when I was about 6). Come back, meet TheEx. Sold off my expensive amp for a stupidly cheap price ($1,600 or so). Get rear ended in my 2nd car (red civic), get $2,000 for that. Stopped
taking piano lessons. Bought a house.
2010: Broke up with TheEx. Swore off dating. Got into some legal issues. Spent the summer drinking and doing nothing. Found NA.
2011: Start developing for the Sega Genesis. Release the first title. Drive down to TN. Start working on 2nd title. Met whom I believe is the love of my life.
As you can see, I went from being constantly out in the spotlight (even though I hate it, though maybe I secretly enjoy it?), to not doing a whole lot. I mean, I'm still doing a lot, just not as much as I use to. Game development is a long process,
and that's mainly what I do these days. The thoughts of starting back up with music has been in my head the last 2 weeks, and I know that I can't do the music thing, as well as be with the love of my life. Of course, there's no certainty that I will be with her
either, but it's something I have to go for. She means more to me than anyone will ever know. My only concern is how long will she wait, and how long will I wait? I want to say I'd wait forever, because she's the love of my life, but forever is a long time and things
can change between us. She may lose interest in me, or decide that I'm not the right person for her. I'm prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. Only time will tell what the outcome will be. I'm hestitant to leave the last part(s) in because I don't want
her to read this, thinking that I'm trying to force anything upon her, because that's the last thing I want to do.
So many paths to choose from, and we never know which is the right one to take. It's a strange moment in my life that I'm at right now, but I don't question it and just accept it. I just don't know. There's so much to think about and so many unanswered questions.
Sometimes I just want to disappear and observe from a distance, see who'll forget me when I'm gone, or remember who I am in the future. Have I ever made an impact on someone else's life like some people have made on mine, or was I a burden to those I interacted with and
are now happy I'm no longer associated with them?
