The last few weeks have been a really confusing time, albeit an eye opening one. I'm not really sure where things stand with
<3. I love her to death, but I honestly don't see things ever changing between us. I guess that doesn't really make sense without
knowing the full story. We talk less. A lot less. Both through texts and on the phone. She's been busy with work and her
business venture. I also felt like I was put on a hook and being led around. I was hoping that after my visit, everything would change,
and things did change for about a week. They went back to what they were in August and September, but that lasted a week.
Things went back to what they had been from the middle of September until I went to visit her. Before I had gone up there, I had nearly
called it quits. It got to the point where we'd say "good morning" and "good night", sometimes not even that. I do get the ocassional
phone call now, but it seems like it only happens at certain times.
The scent she sprayed on my hoodie had stayed through multiple washings, but is now so faint, that I can barely smell it anymore. The scent
was also attached to my seat belt in my car (from the hoodie), and that too, has faded.
I remember the sweet messages she'd send me to read when I would wake up in the morning, and the calls she'd make when she got out of work. I
remember the random pictures she'd send me to make sure there was always a smile on my face, but none of these happen anymore. I've also stopped
doing much of the same. Mainly because when I had pointed out our lack of talking one day, back in September, I was told "I'm busy now, I don't
have to talk to you 24/7". Whether she meant that in a nice way, or a rude way, it stung. That's when I started to back off. Before I had went to
visit, the last call I received from her was on September 19th. Before that, it was September 8th or 9th, and then most of the week I came back
from seeing her. Everything seemed to be progressing well, headed into where I thought we would be very soon after. The illusion was there, but
it can't stay forever.
It breaks my heart to think that one day we may stop talking all together, or that all of this has just been one made up fantasy that she's just going
along with for my sake. I used to dream of both good and horrible things that would happen, and it would wake me up in the middle of the night. Those
dreams no longer haunt my slumber and I sleep soundly through the night.
Lately I've been getting that special itch back, and I don't mean the kind you wake up with after a one nighter with some strange. I'm talking about
the itch that only a trusty guitar can scratch. I've been writing a lot lately, much like I used to 2 years ago, before TheEx. I'm still unsure if this
is just a phase of reliving RetroAdam, or something that will never leave me. I'm not sure if I want to go through all that sort of thing again, but I
suppose time will tell.
I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why, why, why can't it be, can't it be mine
These are the 2 songs that I can't get out of my head lately. I wish, for once, someone would look at me the same way Eddie Vedder looks beyond the crowd, and feel
something that nobody can see. Maybe one day. Maybe...
