Sometimes it's hard to see the world the way I do. Even when I'm down, I still harbor thoughts of an epic climax; one that could one day be told in place of a horrifying and saddened conclusion. Of course,
horrifying and saddened conclusions may differ in my opinion than many others. Of course I don't ever really share these thoughts. Whenever I get sad or something, I tend to close up and put on a facade so
nobody asks me what's wrong. It's not that I don't want to share, but I'd rather not burden someone with the things that are bothering me. I'll eventually get over them, or write about them in a cryptic way
as I've done before.
A lot has happened since I visited <3. It seems like it's been longer than 11 days since I've seen her, and it sucks. The day after I came home, all sorts of dumb shit happened that violated her (nothing I
did), and I felt completely helpless about it. I won't get into the details of it, since it's not my story to tell, but it was stressful. Our conversation for 2 or 3 days straight was about that, and it tore
me up hearing her cry when I couldn't just go see her and hug her. It seems like that happened so long ago, but it was only last week. When she had set some people straight one night, about our situation, it
kind of stung. She had told me she didn't care who I told, about us, but I think I made a mistake with telling the few people I did. She shouldn't have to be defending herself over 2 different things, and I
understand and respect her for that. I didn't want to bring it up past apologizing though, because she was already dealing with enough, nor do I want to come off sounding like someone who is completely
insecure and annoying. I also don't want to put her through any frustration either.
The truth is, she makes me insecure. Okay, maybe I worded that wrong, because doesn't say or do anything to actually make me feel less of who I am or take away self worth. She seems to do the exact opposite, in
ways I'm sure she doesn't know. What makes me insecure is the feeling that I won't be able to make her 100% happy. She's not the type that cares about money or what a person can be, or how she can mold them into
what she wants them to be, but how a person can make her feel - someone that just completes her and makes her feel special in every which way. She's truly an amazing person, and I wish people would take the time
to see her for who she is. I always want her to be happy, regardless of who it is that makes her feel that way. If she were to tell me "disappear from my life" because it would make her happy, I would.
Before I go to sleep at night, I would snuggle up with my hoodie because it smelled like her. The smell started to fade away, plus it got wet from the rain and it started to smell a little funky, so I can't really
use that as a way to embrace the time I had with her more than my own thoughts. This morning, I pulled out my Metallica shirt that I had brought up with me, and it hit me like someone just punched me in the stomach.
It smelled like her. And strong. I was reluctant to put the shirt one and wear it today, because I was already in kind of a mixed up state with other personal things going on, but I did anyway. Every so often I lifted
the front of it over my face like a mask, so I could breathe the scent in. Wow, that sounds really creepy. Anyway. When I smell her, I get brought back to that night, where she rested her head on my chest, holding my
hand, and my arm around her.
I've never met such a beautiful person like her before. I feel like I'm stuck in a dream, and I never want to be woken up.
