After a few more hours early this morning while talking with <3, I soon went to bed. I didn't sleep very much, still upset and stressed about the events that
took place hours prior, but I was afraid the dust wouldn't settle quickly. When she woke up, we started talking about what had happened a little more, and I decided
that I needed to read what she was talking about. Some things didn't make sense last night, though I didn't realize it until she had said a few keywords to me today.
Those keywords were "I sound exactly like your ex, according to what you wrote".
Now, we all know I would never date someone like my ex again. Not only would I be foolish, but I'm sure just about everyone I know would gang up on me to make sure I wasn't
alive after the severe beating that would ensue. True story. I went through the blogs in the date range that she said it was posted in. It wasn't until I had read everything
from that month, still confused as to what she could be talking about. I skip ahead a month, and then it all made sense. The story of my First Love. Almost instantly I felt
relief. This? This wasn't about TheEx. This was about LittleB, and this happened nearly 6 years ago.
Song references in that blog weren't directed towards anyway emotions dealing with LittleB, with the exception of Pearl Jam's "Black". It's a tale of how he had lost his love
and knows she's a star in someone else's night sky, and wonders why it can't be him. 6 years ago, when those events had happened, I could related, word for word, with that song.
Today? I can still relate, but not on the personal level that I once did. I have grown since then, and learned how to deal with past emotions that strongly. The other songs
that I had listed (Enimen's Beautiful, Kid Cudi's Day and Night, and Bullet For My Valentine's Tears Don't Fall and All These Things (I have revolve around me) were just an example
of how those songs make me things of different times of my life. Not with any particular person, but the things I was doing at the time. And just to elaborate a little on that,
when I was driving around in my del Sol, I would pop a mixed CD in and drive around. That CD always included Tears don't fall and All These Things, as well as some Trivium, Offspring,
and even a DMX song. When I hear these songs, it makes me think about how much of a bitch it was to dig my car out of the snow after being run off the highway, or driving with the
top of the car off while coming home from the bowling league. Now when I hear Tears Don't Fall, I think of <3. Same with "This world can't tear us apart" by Trivium. While the older
memories are still there, I don't see the harm in building new memories, especially ones that can explain in words easier than you can think of, with the same song(s). Of course,
I'd never use a song that held high standards on someone else with someone new. That's just wrong on so many level.
The thing I can't deny is that a lot of what I had said to LittleB in the past, is what I have also said to <3. I would understand more if what had happened 6 years ago happened a few
weeks ago with someone else, or 6 months, or even a year. I'm not sure if <3 realized that these were things I felt 6 years ago or if she thought that they were how I felt with TheEx. I do
understand how she felt though, and I'm not dismissing her pain as something silly or anything, because any pain she feels is serious business. I can't help that I felt those things with
someone else a long time ago, nor do I think about what I'm going to say to describe how <3 makes me feel. I don't recall the feelings and what they were like with LittleB anymore, and I
know that I don't want to remember for the simple fact that <3 is who makes me feel this way now, and it took her long enough to find her way into my life and I'm not going to give her up.
There's only so many words one can use to describe feelings to someone, and it's inevitable that words will get repeated. Is it fair that <3 had to read about them? Not at all. She did, though.
How would I react in that situation if the tables were flipped? Honestly, I don't know. One thing that I am very thankful for is the fact she was more than willing to talk to me about all of this.
There was no yelling, no screaming, no fighting. This is something I'm not used to, and it felt great to just talk through something. On top of that, she fucks with me, in the right ways. She
is the other half of me. A person couldn't dream of the more perfect, suited person to share that with, and it's just amazing that I was able to meet her, nevermind what's going to come.
For those who know me, they know I hate being on the phone, or texting all the time, and so on. With <3, I actually want to keep it going for as long as possible each day. When I'm awake, I think
about her, when I sleep, I dream about her, and when I'm looking at her, I'm falling for her more and more. I don't have to pretend I'm someone else or say things that I normally don't say, because
she's exactly like me in so many ways. The feelings I have for her are genuine and real, and they intensify each passing moment with her.
