Back in 2004, I have moved to Virginia for a few reasons that I won't get into, however, I packed up whatever I felt was important and got the hell out of Connecticut. I didn't have a job, nor did
I have much money saved up (actually, I think I had maybe $2,000 at the time), and I just up and left. It was one of the best decisions I had ever made.
While I was living in Virginia, it took a few months before I started getting out there and searching for my passion at the time - music. All I ever wanted to do was write songs that could
help someone through difficult times and affect their lives in a positive way. Did that happen? Well... I'm honestly not quite sure. See, I joined up with a local band there, and after a week or 2
of learning all their songs, we started playing shows. The shows increased in venues with larger audiences, which landed us a record deal with an independent label. This label had major distribution (and
if you know much about me, you can actually buy the album online on Amazon, iTunes, and so on... as weird as that is).
We were on our way to becoming a world known band. Our songs were getting played all over the southern states, and a few stations in Japan (supposedly). We had a 1 record deal, but not before we were in
negotiations with Sony and Windup. Again, this is what the producer had told us, so it could all be fabricated, or it could be truth. I know we had opened for some very well known acts, and a lot of crazy times
were had. I'm pretty sure I have a VHS kicking around somewhere for one of the shows.
So what happened? The record never got fully finished due to 2 of the band members (not me) going to Atlantic City and blowing all of the band's money on...well...I'm sure you can figure it out. I quit. I
didn't want to deal with that. I had given up a great job opportunity to stick with the whole music thing, and had I taken it, life could have turned out so much differently. I ended up having to move back to
Connecticut on the day of my birthday in 2005. Around that same time, I had started talking to LittleB, and we were getting close. First time I had feelings that strong for any single person, and it grew into
the first time I had truly fallen in love. Ultimately, it didn't work out. I do hope she is happy and that things go well for her.
Between now and then, relationships don't really matter much for this story, mainly because none of them had much of an affect on me aside from one and a half. Yes. One and a half. Things may get confusing here
a bit, but try to follow as close as possible, because I'm sure I'm going to leave some detail(s) out (not on purpose). The relationship that had impacted my life the most was with TheEx. Some things about that
relationship are all sorts of wrong in so many ways, things she's not aware of (until she reads this). We were engaged. I didn't want to marry her though. Things were insanely rocky from the start. Constant arguing,
a lack of trust on her part (going through my phone relentlessy, answering all the calls, and even making some threatening calls to some of my female friends). On top of all that, she would call random guy friends
to make sure a guy answered to make sure I wasn't hiding any females numbers. I remember one night, after I had got done BBM'ing with Ace, I went to sleep. I was woken up a few hours later, probably around 3 or 4
in the morning, getting bitched at because of the conversation. It wasn't anything bad that I can recall, but who knows, it may have been. We were always fighting over the stupidest things, and it all came down to
it was her way or let's fight.
After I bought my house, things didn't get any better. She was unemployed for the first half of the relationship, and even though she was working at this time, she called out every other day. She would've been
better to quit her job and collect on the state or something. It became too much on me, and whenever I would try to break up with her, something always got in the way. She was a creature of habit. She broke her habit
one time and that's all it took for me to raise suspicion. Actually, that's a lie. Her accusing me of sleeping around on her was the first heads up. Just to put everyone's mind at ease - I literally couldn't do
anything without her. If was home 5 minutes late from work, I got the "where the fuck were you" questions, followed by "let me smell your dick to see if you were fucking anyone". Yes. Exact words. She turned me sour,
and when I caught her fucking the dude twice her age at her work, I was relieved. I had actually gone and saw a therapist about all the shit going on, but it was one sessions and a complete waste. I was so emotionally fucked up at this point in time.
Then the constant dreams of me suffocating that had been going on for 3 months straight had finally stopped. I was free.
But that's not where that story ends. While I could sleep at night now, there was something missing. I'm not sure if it was the whole change in my life, or the fact that I genuinely missed her. Now, as much of a douche bag
she was to me 80% of the time, the other 20% she's actually a great person. Does that mean she's mostly a horrible person? Nah. Does that mean she's a great person? Fuck no. Do I blame it on her age? Nope. It was just
my experience with her. I missed her, but didn't. I didn't want to date anyone up until recently, but we'll get into that in just a moment. A little over a month after we broke up, I had gotten a DUI, which is off my record now,
but that just opened up the flood gates for catastrophic events. I lost my license for 90 days, so I could only drive to and from work. That meant all I could do was sit around and do...nothing. With a liquor store
within a few minute walk from my house, I took it upon myself to do something morally stupid - just get drunk. And that's pretty much what I did for those 3 months of not being able to drive. I found out who my true friends were
after this whole thing as well.
Towards the end of the 3 months, I finally had enough of drinking and started trying to find other things to do beside watch movies and build Star Wars lego sets, and I looked at my good ol' Super Nintendo. I decided to see what
was out there for retro gaming forums and the such. One site I found seemed pretty good. Sadly, after about 2 weeks there, it went down for quite a while, which turned me to the site I'm currently at now. This began my passion for gaming, again.
(Oh, I forgot to mention that when I was dating TheEx, she wouldn't let me play in a band or anything that would provide me enjoyment, so by this time, I had pretty much given up on music). So I started collecting the games I use
to have growing up, and the games that I really loved or wanted to play. The collection grew, and grew, and finally winter came. With my car being buried under snow (yes, I couldn't see my car, it does snow that much here ;) ), I looked into
game development. Well, it seems as though I had found something that I actually enjoyed doing as much as being in a band, so I kept on with that.
Anyway, we're not here to talk about game development, we're here to find out how I became into the situation and place in life I'm currently at. Had all those events in the past not transpired, I wouldn't have met such an amazing person.
The unfortunate thing is, had those events not transpired, this site would still be empty, and a lot of this confusion, and potential pain, wouldn't exist, but then neither would the way I feel for a second time either. Yes, I have fallen in love
with a person, and it's the second time ever. Did I love any of my ex's? Sure I did. Was I in love with them? No. There's just something unexplainable that I've felt and only twice. I can't put it into words no matter how hard I try.
So what's the situation with...let's call her "<3". So <3 and I have been talking, and the situation is definitely a strange one, one of the strangest I've ever been in, though that's not a story I'm at liberty to tell at the moment, and may never
be able to. <3 and I talk daily. While still learning about each other (do you ever fully know a person? I didn't think so), I made mention of my blog site. She tried to find it, and I ended up just giving her the link here. Bad move? Quite possibly. I
feel as though it changed her opinion enough to where all feelings on her end have been taken out and I'm just "there" now. Don't take that literally, because I'm not sure I can explain how I feel at this point in time. There's a lot of confusion and
unanswered things that I don't know, and I hate that with a passion. I always like knowing what's going to happen next. One of my many flaws. She pointed out a lot of things that I had said in previous posts, and it turns out I've said a lot of things to her
that I had written in my previous entries. Shame on you Adam! Is what you better be thinking, because I know I am. Before any wild thoughts that I'm looking for a replacement of TheEx, it's been over a year and a half. If I wanted a replacement, there
would have been already (not trying to boost my ego or brag, but there's been 3 or 4 that would've stepped into place, and since I'm trying to finish this up, we won't go there right now). It's not that I've been thinking about TheEx, or when saying
these things to her that I'm running out of material and that I have nothing new to say. It simply comes down to that she's the only person in my mind when I say these things, and that's how I honestly feel. Previous entries aside, she lights up my world
in ways that nobody else has, or will. I'm not saying that if things don't work out that nobody can make me feel these things I'm feeling, however, it won't be the same as when she says those words. <3 is the other half of me, or so it seems. LittleB, while
great in her own ways, never had as many of the same interests, passions, thought processes, and more that I share with <3. Sadly, I still listen to the same songs, and while the songs that use to make me think of the past, they make me believe in a future
with <3, regardless of the odds. Though it is kind of sad that my music listenings hasn't really changed much in the last 4 years...weird. Well, it kind of has, I listen to a lot less Metallica and The Offspring than I use to, anyway, back to the point.
<3, I truly am in love with you, and no matter what happened in the past, I haven't thought about it once in the time I've known you, like, really known you. I'm not sorry about my past, and I'm not sorry about the future. Of all the mistakes that I will make,
what we had talked about tonight...err... morning... will be the biggest one that will ever be made by me. I would say I promise that, but I believe this merrits my word - something that is broken once that can never be repaired. Had the past not happened, a future with you
wouldn't be possible. I am putty in your hands that you don't have to mold into something you want.
I <3 you, I'm in ldk;fjkl;afasdklf with you.
