TheEx and I were discussing random topics relating to sex - positions, toys, fetishes, etc, and she let me know that she missed having a vibrator on hand. I told her
that after work the next day that I would go to the adult shop and pick one up for her. She didn't believe me. In fact, she insisted that I wouldn't do it and left it at that.
I was getting ready for lunch the next day and I had sent her a text message letting her know that I was getting ready to head out to the shop to pick it up. She wrote back
"No you're not". I replied with an "ok" and went on my way.
Before I walked into the adult store, I removed my work badge so there was nothing to incriminate what I was about to do. As I entered, I noticed the clerk behind the counter.
He was about 6 feet tall, short dirty blond hair that was a mess, and looked like the kind of person you would see on the sexual offenders list. Nothing out of the ordinary
I suppose. I walked up to the counter and gave out a sigh.
Pedophile: Can I help you sir?
Me: (using a slightly high pitched voice with a lisp) Yesth, I'm looking for your thelection of vibratorsth and dildosth
Pedophile: Umm... they're over there in the back past the movies...
Me: Thanksth
I walk to where the rack of dildos and vibrators were and started browsing. I wasn't quite sure what kind TheEx wanted, or what she liked best as I failed as a man to ask
such important questions. They had white ones, black ones, pink ones, orange ones, yellow ones, clear ones, big ones, tall ones, short ones, fat ones, and the combination of them
all was endless. I picked up a few of them to see what was written on the box, as if it were a road map to what I should get. Still new to purchasing a dildo or vibrator, I resumed
my character to the clerk.
Me: Excusthhhe me. What do you recommend?
Pedophile: Uh, well, they all do the same thing
The looks he was giving me showed me he was a little on the weirded out side. Going back to my reading of the packages, I picked out one that I've seen many times in porn flicks; something
safe and familiar. I walked back up to the counter, passing the lotions and lubes, and placed the vibrator on the counter.
Me: Thso, where do you keep the lubesth?
Pedophile: You passed them when you walked to the dildos and walked back to the counter...look behind you
Me: Thanksth!
I could tell this guy wanted me out of the store and that I was making him a bit uncomfortable. Fuck it. He was being rude to me, so I decided to amp it up a little bit. I found exactly what
I was looking for. I picked up the biggest bottle of Anal Lube I could find, which was only a 6oz bottle there, but it was good enough. I skipped with delight back to the counter and flopped it
in front of him.
Pedophile: Will that be all?
Me: Do you have any batteriesth?
Pedophile: Right in front of you
Me: Exthellent. Thso, whatsth your name?
Pedophile: I don't feel comfortable telling you my name sir, is there anything else you need?
Me: Oh thatsth a shame, you're a cutie. Can I have your number?
Pedophile: I don't think so
Me: Are you sureeeee? I promise it will be fun (I added in a wink here, to which he quickly bagged up the items I was purchasing and rang me out as fast as he could)
Me: Thank you! I'll be thinking about you in just a few minutesth (I winked again)
The look the Pedophile had given me was the kind of look someone would give as if they were caught raping a cat. I wish I could have gotten his expression on film because it was truly priceless.
After I got back to my car, I took everything out and placed it on the front passenger seat to take a picture on my phone and send it to TheEx. The Pedophile came out for a cigarette and I picked
up the vibrator, looked at him, and blew him a kiss. I had never seen anyone run into a building so quickly after stepping outside to have a smoke.
I figured it was time to leave before he decided to call the police for harassment or something.
