Up until recently I had an issue with peeing first thing in the morning. I don't know why, but my morning piss would always would come in the early afternoon.
One day, I had received a phone call from a temp agency for a job interview. I wasn't too excited because I was still in school working on my degree and I had
different hours throughout the week that would interfere with both first and second shift.
The morning of the interview, I was told by the temp agent to not mention college because it would most likely defer them from hiring me. Me, not wanting to get
my hopes up, I went to the interview and sat down with the manager. The interview started off great. He asked about my knowlege and abilities, and discussed other
topics like sports and music, when he finally asked if I was looking forward for a higher education to pursue my career further. I decided to tell him that I was
already taking courses for a degree in computer science and told him of my intentions as well as my class schedule. Shortly after the interview ended and I made my
way back to my car to head home.
I hadn't even pulled out of the parking lot when I received a phone call from the temp agent.
Me: That was quick...
TempAgent: Wow...no hello? Anyways, what did you say to him?
Me: Pretty much everything you told me not to, why?
TempAgent: Because he wants to hire you
Me: Ha, seriously? When does he want me to start?
TempAgent: I'm e-mailing you all the paperwork now. Fill it out, sign it, and fax it to me asap
Me: You realize I haven't left the parking lot right?
TempAgent: If you can get it by this afternoon, that would be great
So I rushed home to print out all of the paperwork and ran to my friends shop to fax it to the appropriate people. I called up TempAgent to let him know he should have
all of the papers and asked what I needed to do next. Seeing how this was a government position, I was required to pass a drug examination. No biggie. Not wanting to conflict
with my current place of employment, I opted to take the drug test on Saturday morning.
Saturday morning comes around and I woke up an hour and a half earlier than the appointment was scheduled for. Knowing my issues with taking a morning piss, I walked to the
bathroom with a 12 ounce glass and filled it with water. I drank it as fast as I could and refilled it. The second glass took a little longer to finish, but I was soon filling it
up again for a second time, then a third, fourth, fifth, then twelveth time. I know, you're thinking "What an idiot", but let me assure you this was over the course of an hour,
and the entire time I did not have to pee. Trust me, I tried.
I figured all hope was gone so I gave up drinking water and got into the shower. After washing my hair (yes, I wash my hair first), and as I'm about to scrub up with my body wash,
I felt a tingle. I decided that it would be best to hold it until I got to the doctors office so I could let all hell break loose, but as soon as I started scrubbing up, I couldn't
hold it any longer and I had to let go of all resistance. I stood there, aimed at the drain, for a good 2 to 3 minutes easily. I had never felt such relief and couldn't believe
how much had just come out of me. As soon as I was done, I had to go again. This happened for the next few minutes until I got in my car and had left for the appointment.
About 5 minutes into the 15 minute journey, I had to go again, except now I couldn't because I was driving and I was on the highway. I had thought about pulling over and running
into the wooded area that surrounded the highway, but I didn't want to risk getting a ticket. Instead, I sped up faster to about 100 mph and made the 15 minute ride in about half
the time. I parked the car and ran up to the front door of the office, and it was locked. They didn't open for another 5 minutes. Looking around and sweating my ass off, I spotted
some bushes that looked like they could use some watering in the dry heat. I ran over to what was a decently secluded spot from the main road and parking lot, and let it go. I ended
up being a few minutes late for my appointment.
I get into the doctors office and checked in. They asked me to fill out some paperwork to prove who I said I was and walked me to the bathroom. Now I know just about everyone has had
a drug test and every place does things differently, but let me tell you that I've never had anyone stare over my shoulder while I pissed into a cup. I undid my pants and started
pissing. The nurse said "you can fill up the cup now" and so I did. Mid stream I cut it off, and that took more resistance than a fat kid's temptation to eat a cupcake. I slowly
released the muscle that let you keep the urine in, and it came out like a waterfall. It took more strength the second time to cut it off so I could hand the cup to the nurse.
She took the cup and untaped the the sink faucet so I could wash up afterwards and left the bathroom. It's nice to point out that she closed the bathroom door behind her as she left.
I let the flood gates open and I felt like I had just reached Heaven, except instead of the golden streets, there was a golden stream that just wouldn't end. A few minutes later the
nurse knocked on the door and asked me if I was alright. I told her I couldn't have felt any better and kept going on my business.
When I left the doctors office, I thought I had run out of fluids in my body to piss out. Wrong. I was on my way to my now ex-girlfriends house (we'll call her Cum Dumpster) because
her family was having a family gathering for July 4th. (Yes, it was past July 4th, but it whatever, it was an excuse to drink and eat bbq). I had to stop 4 times on my way to her grandmothers
house. That wouldn't have been so bad, except the party was happening at her aunt's house, which she insisted on walking. I tried to convince her that it wasn't a good idea.
Me: I think we should drive...
CD: Quit being lazy, it's a 5 minute walk
Me: No, seriously, it will take 30 minutes
CD: I'm not arguing, we're walking. It's such a nice day
Me: Have it your way...
We started walking through her grandmothers back yard to a trail that led up a few hills and within a short distance, I took a detour behind some
tree's and started pissing. CD yelled saying that I should have gone before we left her grandmothers house. I explained to her that it wouldn't have done any good because I had been
pissing all morning like that. She sighed and said her usual "whatever" and we kept on walking. The heat must've been getting to me because it wasn't long before I had to piss again.
I stopped behind some tree's and she finally realized that if we were going to get there by the afternoon, we better drive. We made our way back to her grandmothers house and we got into her
car and drove up to her aunts. As we pulled in, I ran out and asked where the bathroom was. She had to explain while I was in the bathroom to her family on why it was taking me so long and why
we had to drive up there. I walked out and everyone was chuckling. Whatever. Fuck them. This goes on for pretty much the rest of the day, though it slowly started to become quite as frequent or
as long.
We started drinking some beers and mixed drinks as the night was coming upon us and the bon fire had started. Everything was going smoothly and I had made it almost an hour before I had to piss
again. I figured it was just the alcohol making me go, but no, it was another long one which followed with a few more short ones.
I ended up leaving around 9:00 PM and as CD brought me to my car, I went once more.
This next part is mildly embarassing, but it doesn't matter. I'm driving home feeling a bit buzzed from the alcohol when I felt another round of urination building up. I thought to myself that
I'm close enough to home and that I didn't need to pull over and let out a waterfall. I was wrong. It became so bad at the worst time since I couldn't pull over, that I ended up peeing my pants.
I didn't know what to do. I couldn't stop it. It felt as though this had been the longest piss I had all day. It lasted for the last 2 miles of my drive. It's like my body wanted to play a late
senior prank on me and decided to stop as I pulled into my driveway.
Let this be a lesson to all - don't drink over a gallon of water in less than an hour first thing in the morning, you'll just piss your pants if you do.
Since this day, I've had no troubles taking my morning wee.
