I listened to Pearl Jam - Black for the first time in a very long time willingly today. It brought back a lot of memories; both good and bad. Well, I wouldn't
necessarily mean bad, but more depressing. Songs have a way of intertwining themselves with select moments in my life, and I'm sure most people have the same thing
happen. It's kind of like associating a scent with a memory. Two years ago it was Enimen's Beautiful, Kid Cudi's Day and Night, and Bullet For My Valentine's Tears Don't
Fall and All These Things (I have revolve around me).
Before I had moved back from Virginia, I had started using MySpace and reconnecting with my old friends, and started setting up plans for my arrival. One of my friends
decided that she was going to try and set me up with one of her friends. Usually I just pass it off and forget about it, but since I wasn't exactly pleased with having
to move back home, I decided "fuck it, why not?"
So I meet her friend LittleB. The moment I laid my eyes on her, something inside had surfaced that I had never experienced before. I knew that all of my previous relationships
didn't prepare me enough for what I was feeling at that moment, nor what I would feel a few months later. I realized that I had never fallen in love before, and that this would
be the first time. I should have felt something similar to this before now. I was 23 and felt like I had just been hit with a speeding truck of emotions that were unfamiliar to
me. This girl was perfect in every which way - beautiful, smart, funny; the list could literally go on forever.
LittleB and I started talking daily. She would text me when she woke up in the morning, call me every chance she could, and before she would go to sleep she would always tell me
that my voice soothed her and made her at ease from the stresses of life. Hearing that made me melt. Words that I wanted to hear from someone that I had fallen for. I hadn't told
her how I felt at this point, but after a month and a half, I finally told her.
Me: LittleB, I have something to tell you...
LittleB: What's up?
Me: I'm pretty sure I've fallen for you...
LittleB: Adam, I love you
Me: I love you too
We made plans with my friend to have a campout at our friends house and just drink and do silly shit. We layed on the trampoline a few feet away from the campfire and just talked, took
a drive so she could get some weed (she drove and was sober), and eventually we all went to sleep. It was the perfect night - laying next to the one I loved, listening to her light breaths
as she drifted further into her deep slumber.
I started work at the end of that month, right before Halloween, just up the road from where she lived. Before she went to work, she'd come see me on breaks at work, and again as I got out
of work.
Things went well, or so I was thinking, for the next month. I ended up getting sick with an upper respiratory infection, so I wasn't able to see her for a few days. As I was getting better, I
had set up a date with my grammy to go see a movie (The Chronicles of Narnia), and LittleB had made plans to go out with friends to the movies as well. She didn't call me that night, but I wasn't
too concerned. The next day, she breaks the news to me - she's dating someone else.
It was a surprise. I hadn't asked her out, though I didn't think I needed to because of all the things being said. The end of November was the perfect way to start the last month with depression.
We would talk on and off, but it was never the same. She would say those words I use to love hearing, but it had no effect on me anymore. I was numb. I had no idea what to do, so I went to a friend
at the times house to party, and ended up drinking myself stupid. LittleB was worried and called me, but it just made things worse for me. Shortly after that, we stopped talking. I couldn't handle
everything that had happened.
She's now married. I'm not sure how long she's been married, though I think it's around a year or so now, maybe a year and a half. I still think about her from time to time, but not in a negative way
or a "I still wish" sort of way. Now, it's "I hope she's happy; she deserves it".
Nobody has ever come close to giving me those butterflies I felt in my stomach like she did. Ever since then I've pretty much closed myself off in that personal way from everyone. I know it didn't do
any good with any relationship afterward; I suppose I was afraid of letting someone else in and "replacing her" or having the same thing happen. When AC2 broke up, I felt horrible because of the way she
felt, but emotionwise, I wasn't phased. When Loo and I dated, it didn't cross my mind twice when I broke up with her, and the same with Gel or StinkyPuss. ThEx was a little different, but those circumstances
were very unique and very difficult to explain, so I won't bother.
I've started realizing that I'm now thawing out; I'm not feeling numb anymore, but vulnerable. When TheEx spent the night 2 weeks ago, it didn't feel right. That could also be because of other circumstances
as well, but who knows. I'm also starting to feel like I don't belong here anymore and that I need to pack up and leave, or even forget the packing up and just leave. When I do decide that it's time, I don't
think I'll tell anyone. I want to slip away unseen and unknown...
